THE TSURANGA CONUNDRUM

EXT (OR POSSIBLY INT, WHO KNOWS WHERE THEY FILM THESE THINGS. A QUARRY, PROBABLY). THE TARDIS TEAM ARE RUMMAGING AROUND IN A STRIKINGLY LIT PILE OF JUNK. THE ANDROZANI TEAM SIT UP STRAIGHTER ON THEIR SOFAS, IMPRESSED AND HOPEFUL. GRAHAM UNCOVERS ONE OF THOSE FLASHY THINGS THEY GIVE YOU WHEN YOU'RE WAITING TO GET INTO THE CHEESECAKE FACTORY.

DOCTOR: We're looking for an unspecified McGuffin, because reasons, and someone's left a sonic mine here, because reasons. Nobody move! I, meanwhile, will appear right next to the mine in the next shot, having made a lot of noise scrambling over junk to get there, no doubt. Oops, the mine's going off.

THE TARDIS TEAM HOVER OVER THE MINE. WHICH THEY KNOW IS ABOUT TO GO OFF.

ANDROZANI TEAM: Sonic what? What's the obsession this show has with sonic everything? Oh, the junkyard's gone and it's a boring old spaceship.

THEY SLUMP ON THEIR SOFAS, OPTIMISM DRAINING. THE TARDIS TEAM EXPLORE THE INTERIOR OF WHAT IS BLINDINGLY OBVIOUSLY A SPACESHIP.

DOC BROWN: Let me explain to you that this is an android and that there is my sister. In case you couldn't tell, we have issues.

DOCTOR: Where's the exit?

ANDROZANI TEAM: It's a spaceship.

YOSS: I’m a pregnant man! Isn't that hilarious? I'm pregnant! And I’m a man!

DOCTOR: Where's the exit?

ANDROZANI TEAM: It's a spaceship.

DOCTOR: Where's the exit? Ohhhh!! It's a spaceship! Okay, so I want to go back to the TARDIS and I don't care who I hurt to get there.

THE ANDROZANI TEAM RUSTLE THROUGH THE PROGRAMME GUIDE TO MAKE SURE THAT THEY ARE IN FACT WATCHING DOCTOR WHO.

ASTOS: That's just nasty. You're mean, you are.

DOCTOR: Whoops. Not supposed to say that, right? Blame it on my ectospleen.

EVEN THOUGH THE SCANNER CAN'T PICK UP THE MASSIVE CHUNKS OF SPACE JUNK SURROUNDING THE SHIP, IT UNERRINGLY TRACKS THE TINY PTING HURTLING TOWARDS THEM.

THE BREAKNECK PACE SUDDENLY SCREECHES TO A HALT AS DOC BROWN AND GRAHAM HAVE A CHAT.

DOC BROWN: Even though I've only known you for five seconds, I'm going to lay bare the complex relationship with my sister that has distorted my very soul.

GRAHAM: Cool cool cool.

ASTOS: The port lifepod has been mysteriously ejected into space. I will therefore stroll right inside the other one and see if the same thing happens to me. Oops! Mabli, here is a motivational speech out of the blue! Hope you enjoy it! Urk.

DOCTOR: That thing is incredibly dangerous! It jettisoned the lifepods!

ANDROZANI TEAM: Awww! So cute!

DOCTOR: It just ate my sonic!

THE ENTIRE AUDIENCE LEAPS UP, CHEERS, AND BEGINS TO PARTY. THE PTING SPITS THE SONIC OUT. THE AUDIENCE SETS FIRE TO THEIR PARTY HATS.

DOCTOR: Mabli, in case Astos's motivational speech wasn't enough, here's another one. Also, seven minute ticking clock! For absolutely no reason!

DOC BROWN CATCHES HIS SISTER MAINLINING THE GOOD STUFF. HE IS RUDE TO RONAN SO THAT HE WILL BE ABLE TO REPENT LATER AND TEACH US ALL A LESSON ABOUT TOLERANCE.

ANDROZANI TEAM: That android guy is the only interesting character here. Why isn't it about him?

DESPITE THE THREAT OF IMMINENT DEATH, YAZ AND RYAN HAVE A LEISURELY CONVERSATION WITH YOSS ABOUT HIS PREGNANCY. IT ISN'T ANY FUNNIER THAN IT WAS THE FIRST TIME. THEN THERE IS A GIANT DOLLOP OF EARNESTNESS ABOUT PARENTS AND STUFF. RYAN LEARNS AND GROWS.

RYAN: Why am I even talking about this?

ANDROZANI TEAM: That's what we were wondering.

DOCTOR: You may well think you can figure out who I am from watching me do stuff, but that's just wrong. You're far too dumb for that. Instead, I'm going to spell it out for you. I do this, that and the other, but mostly I'm a shining beacon of hope in a dark and twisted universe. Stop cringing down the back.

MABLI: Yeah, bit gloopy, isn't it. We're all in danger of being suffocated by candyfloss. Kind of hard to believe given that there's a ship-crunching alien on the loose and we're all about to die, but there you are. Tell you what, let's throw in the threat of being blown up by the home planet. Nope, still not enough to counter the sluggish tide of saccharin. How about a rogue asteroid field as well?

DOCTOR: I know, let's lie through our teeth about the pting.

MABLI: You know it'll wreak death and destruction on the planet when we get there, right?

DOCTOR: Whatevs.

YOSS: My comedy waters have broken! I need male doulas! Men! As doulas! So hilarious!

DOCTOR: This ship has an antimatter drive. Here is some information about antimatter. Remember, Doctor Who is supposed to be educational, so I hope you’re taking notes.

CICERO: Sibling rivalry!

DOC BROWN: More sibling rivalry!

DOCTOR: Cicero, you have pilot heart-to-heart.

CICERO: Busted! I will proceed to spill my deepest secrets about my bizarrely shameful disease and my concern for my brother. You see, although we have sibling rivalry I love him anyway. Did you pick that up OK, or should I tattoo it down my arm?

YOSS: Ow! I'm now entering my comedy labour!

ANDROZANI TEAM: We shudder to speculate about where this baby might be emerging from, but wherever it is, it's a little bit weird that he's fully dressed.

DOCTOR: The pting doesn't want to eat us at all! It wants the power!

ANDROZANI TEAM: This is the first time she's noticed it hasn't attacked any of the humans? Also, if it's looking to eat energy, why was it munching bits of metal earlier? And what about that lifepod? If the pting drained its energy, where did the energy come from for the explosion?

DOCTOR: Cicero, ride your invisible Segway all the way into port. And don't forget - what pting, right? OK. Someone at a script meeting pointed out that there's no reason once we reach the third strike that home base wouldn't detonate the bomb right away. So let me just arrange a confusing fake signal thing to cover that plot hole, aaaand…. a literal ticking bomb! Excellent, we've now got the entire thing on the nose as much as possible. Yaz? Pick a number. Not that number!

RYAN: Yoss, I've detected a few seconds of this episode which haven't been crammed with motivational speeches. So here's one for you.

CICERO: I've run out of deep secrets to confess, so my heart-to-heart is now terminal. Urk.

DOC BROWN: Let's see, what's the most obvious thing I could say here? I love you and I’m proud of you? Let's go with that, then. Don't trip over my sister's corpse. No worries, I'll take us in.

ANDROZANI TEAM: Why didn't he mention he could do that before his sister popped her clogs?

YOSS: I’m naming the kid Avocado Pear.

GRAHAM: It's a fruit.

RYAN: It's a vegetable.

ANDROZANI TEAM: Either way, it's not a pear.

YOSS: I'm going to giggle now to show the audience that this conversation is meant to be comic. They're not going to guess otherwise. But now I’m going to be earnest again. I've learned and grown and am going to keep my baby, because absolutely nobody on TV ever has an abortion or puts their babies up for adoption. No, wait. I'm not going to commit that much. I’m just going to give being a dad a try.

ANDROZANI TEAM: What? That wasn't one of the options on the table, mate. There is no try. There is only dad.

DOC BROWN: So what happens to you now, robot boy?

RONAN: They're sending me to the crusher.

DOC BROWN. Sucks to be you. Sorry I was rude and that.

ANDROZANI TEAM: That's it? They're just going to let the most interesting character die? With no further comment? Jeez. They really dropped the ball on that one.

ROLL END CREDITS. THE ANDROZANI TEAM, OPTIMISM DESTROYED ONCE AGAIN, CAN ONLY PUT THEIR FAITH IN THINGS LOOKING UP ONCE CHIBNALL ISN’T HOGGING ALL THE SCRIPTWRITING.

OUTTAKES

FUNNY HA HA

One genuinely good gag did manage to fly in from space and smash its way into the script: "Threat level: chalice."… "Worst one. One up from beetroot."